What Is BDSM?: Your Beginner’s Guide

Much of what we understand from movie portrayals of BDSM is well…misconstrued. Misconceptions are still very much present even after the controversially popular movie franchise, Fifty Shades, helped mainstream the BDSM lifestyle. Rather than educate how a genuine BDSM partnership functions, the majority of these films center around the romanticization of a toxic relationship, therefore aligning BDSM with this toxicity. Not to mention how the red room physically represents how BDSM is something that exists in a vacuum, separating participants from the “norm” as if it’s shameful. BDSM is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that only survivors of abuse embrace, or the abnormally kinky. That can’t be farther from the truth. Often, the person who plays the role of submissive relishes giving up control and not being responsible for the scene. The person who plays the dominant or top might prefer being in control or having an opportunity to take control when it’s not otherwise provided in life. The other misunderstanding is that all manifestations of kink in BDSM involve inflicting extreme pain. However, even something as simple as running fingernails down someone’s back or light spanking can fall under the BDSM umbrella.

What Does BDSM Mean?

BDSM is an umbrella term that refers to a spectrum of sexual behaviours and preferences that can be divvied into the groups of bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.

Common BDSM activities include but aren’t limited to the following:

• Bondage and restraints (Cuffs, ties, bondage tape, blindfolds, gags, rope knots. breast bondage, and plastic wrap)
• Impact play (Spanking, paddling, crops, and hitting)
• Service (Where the submissive performs actions for the dominant)
• Discipline (Reward or punishment for following or disobeying instructions)
• Orgasm control — learn about orgasm denial and control
• Role Playing (Boss/employee, teacher/student et cetera)

BDSM only has to be as hardcore as you want it to be. One of the joys of BDSM is figuring out what you’re interested in and potentially even pushing those boundaries, and many couples may practice less intense BDSM activities more frequently than the extreme ones

BDSM vs. Abuse

Before we get any further, we want to clarify that BDSM is not abuse. The key difference is consent. BDSM activities might include hurting someone, but they’re desired and consented to by both parties. Safety and mutual consent are central to the BDSM community. A dominant has a  responsibility for their submissive’s safety. This means leaving alcohol and drugs out of BDSM. Intoxication can make it harder — or impossible — to give consent and muddy your ability to make decisions. And if you also feel the need to get high or drunk to participate in these activities, that's a good indication you have inner work to do before you’re ready to jump in. There should also be an establishment of ground rules/mutual agreement beforehand in order to promote a trusting environment. Part of the negotiation should always be about safety - from physical limitations, triggers, and hard limits. 

While a submissive may appear powerless, this isn’t the case, both parties can use a safe word at any time to halt a scene. If you’re wondering what safe word to use, the most common safewords are known as the traffic light system. Red: means stop. Yellow (or amber): means slow down. Green: means go for it.

Give and Get Consent Throughout

Because of the intensity of BDSM play and the real mental and physical risks involved in many types of play, you absolutely need to make sure every act is consensual.

A lot of this will happen in the negotiation but also check in with your partner throughout scenes. Just because something is okay once, doesn’t mean it always will be, so communicate throughout the entire interaction!

How to ask questions without ruining the mood

Asking for consent doesn’t have to be formal, it can be part of the dirty talk flow. Like this:

• “Your ass looks so good. Is it OK if I spank you?”
• “Do you like it when I hold your legs down like that?”
• “Can I turn you over and touch you from behind?”

What Does It Mean to Be a Dominant?

To begin with, you and your partner(s) must first decide between you who is going to undertake the dominant role and who is going to play the submissive. It's extremely important for both of you to interchange and play both roles so you can both experience being in control of your shared sexual destiny. Quite simply, the dominant role will demonstrate skill and power and will control the submissive role.

In BDSM, the top is the dominant partner who dishes out the spanking, bondage, clamping and whipping, while the 'bottom' is the submissive partner. However, bottoms can also be the more dominant partner by demanding the top to perform certain acts of their choosing and even insist on switching roles.

What Does It Mean to Be a Submissive?

The position of the submissive lover is one of trust and learning. It involves giving away the reins to your mind and body and allowing your lover to take them fully. While being submissive is about relinquishing control, you will not cease to have a voice. A submissive lover should always expect a level of balance and be able to guide sex within the boundaries of their own desires without pressure to exceed them.

A primary concern of subs actually involves the power dynamics outside of the bedroom - if this makes them submissive in the relationship as well. Short answer – No. Who you are in the bedroom does not inherently mean that is who you are outside of the bedroom. It is in fact incredibly common for confident and socially dominant individuals to act on their sexually submissive fantasies. So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it’s nice to be let off the hook.

Aftercare

Just as upfront communication is extremely important, debriefing after a session and making sure your partner has their emotional, psychological, and physiological needs met are equally crucial. Be sure to discuss what you both enjoyed, what you didn’t etc. so that successive sessions will be even better.